The self-discipline myth: you can’t just ‘decide’ to have more self-control.

The internet is awash with motivational gurus and inspirational quotes preaching the importance of self-discipline. They explain that if we only accept self-control as our lord and saviour, our lives would be transformed. If you’re anything like me, you love this stuff. You can’t get enough of it. After a particularly well-edited inspirational YouTube clip (set to tasteful yet urgent classical music), or a quippy, minimalist Instagram quote, you’re immersed in a fevered surge of enthusiastic motivation, shouting “AMEN! Long live discipline!” And then, we’re left hanging.

Yes, I agree, self-discipline would utterly transform my life, you’re preaching to the converted baby. Now HOW do I become more disciplined. The answer more often than not tends to be that we just have to try harder. Discipline is a choice, and if we only want it badly enough, we can change our lives. Isn’t this a little presumptuous? Patronising even? I’ve never met a client who was struggling to change because they just didn’t give a crap. Most of them spend an inordinate amount of time consumed by their perceived faults and berating themselves over their continual failed attempts to change. Many of them are exhausted after years of battling with their own brains, and finding themselves back at the starting line once again. To suggest their goals just aren’t important to them (or that they just need to make a ‘real’ decision to change) is a bit ridiculous. They don’t need more convincing that change is important, they need more information about how to make it happen.

The problem is, we often have a false understanding of what self-discipline actually is. Self-discipline is not a ‘mindset’ or belief that we are able to spontaneously adopt in order to change our behaviours. Self-control, simply put, is the ability to forsake something that feels good now, or to do something that feels uncomfortable now, in order to achieve something later. Generally though, the issue is not that we don’t understand why it’s useful to do this, or why it’s important sometimes, it’s that we find we can’t do this. It’s not because you’re a terrible person, it’s because you haven’t learned how to work with, rather than against, your brain.

A large array of complex factors determine our ability to change our behaviour. One of the most important though, is the brain’s reliance on pleasure seeking and discomfort avoidance in order to form habits. Simply put, the brain is hardwired to repeat behaviours which bring (fairly immediate) success or pleasure, and to avoid repeating behaviours which do not bring success or pleasure, or bring discomfort instead. If the immediate pleasure associated with a particular behaviour is outweighed by the immediate discomfort, the brain cannot form a habit. Hang on, how does anyone do anything difficult then? People do uncomfortable things all the time.

Yes, but here’s where it get’s tricky. Pleasure and discomfort can take many physical, emotional, and psychological forms. Something physically uncomfortable might provide us with a huge surge of emotional pleasure (for instance pride, or group-identification). Something that brings psychological pleasure can simultaneously bring a greater degree of psychological discomfort. Often a number of conflicting sources of pleasure and discomfort compete for our brain’s attention.

A huge number of factors including degree of self-efficacy, readiness for change, behavioural intentions, type and size of goals, environmental contingencies, behavioural routines, habitual thought patterns, sources of reinforcement, environmental cues, cognitive fatigue, and how long an existing behaviour has been habitual, come together to determine your level of self-discipline and ability to change. A preference for or desire for disciplined living is just one tiny part of a much more complex machine.

The good news is that it is absolutely possible to develop self-discipline. However, we must shift the focus from blaming and shaming people, to teaching and empowering them. When people understand more about the way their brains work, they are able to stop wasting effort on ineffective strategies for change, and start investing their energies on strategies that make sense in the context of how their brains actually work.

by Amy Bourke

B.A Psych (Hons). Counsellor and Lecturer in Psychology.