How do I know if I`m exercising self-compassion or just making excuses?

There seem to be two (at times highly polarised) camps when it comes to the concept self-compassion: in the blue corner stand the (usually left leaning) therapists, sociology students, and yoga enthusiasts promoting self-compassion as an essential component to sustained mental health, and in the red corner stand the (usually right leaning) entrepreneurially minded, gym obsessed, David Goggins enthusiasts who feel that ‘self-compassion’ is synonymous with excuse-making and weakness. Of course I’m oversimplifying for comedic effect here, but views around self-compassion do seem to be quite bifurcated.

As a person whose YouTube stream is an even mixture of Jocko Willink and Thich Nhat Hanh, I’m simultaneously excited and disquieted by the recent surge in self-love and self-compassion literature, and (like most people probably) occupy a space somewhere between these two camps.

Why are some people uncomfortable with the concept of self-compassion?

While self-compassion (or the process of being kind and understanding, rather than harshly self-critical with ourselves) might seem like a fairly logical and straightforward idea to get behind for most of us, some people are less comfortable with the concept.

You can read about why some people (high achievers in particular) might be wary of self-compassion here, but in brief, some express concern that, if ridden too frequently, the self-compassion train may provide a fast track to mediocrity.  

The general sentiment seems to be that self-compassion may interfere with self-accountability (the process of engaging in self-honesty and accepting responsibility for your words and actions) and lead to excuse-making (example. Convincing myself I deserve a break because it’s been a big week and working out with a blister is literally impossible and the carbon my car would emit getting me to the gym would contribute to global warming so it’s honestly just better for everyone if I take it easy today). In short, won’t all of this ‘giving ourselves a break’ lead to too many breaks? Will we lose our sense of personal responsibility over time? Are we inadvertently teaching people to be less resilient?

Of course, there’s a flip side to any decent coin (focus on your breath blue corner, I hear you). Obviously one of the reasons there has been such a dramatic push toward self-compassion is a huge number of people struggling with self-esteem and mental health issues. Whilst self-accountability is useful, over time it can tend to creep into, less useful, self-loathing territory.

How can I find a balance between self-compassion and excuse-making?

Really understand the definitions of self-compassion and excuse-making

If we’re worried about killing our success with kindness, let’s start by understanding the intended meanings of self-compassion vs self-justification, as well as what they mean for us. Self-compassion doesn’t really mean doing whatever we want and telling ourselves it’s fine even if it’s not good for us. On the other hand, sometimes things that sound like ‘excuses’ are actually valid points. So it’s important to explore what these terms really mean.

Take the emotions out of it by acknowledging them

Although our emotions are what makes life beautiful, they are also incredibly misleading at times. When we’re being overly self-critical, often this is actually feelings of disappointment, fear, or frustration talking rather than objective reasoning (are you really not good at ANYTHING EVER? Or are your emotions potentially blowing things out of proportion?). Conversely, negative emotions can also lead us toward excuse-making (is avoiding your to-do list really what’s best for you today, or is that actually stress, loneliness, or frustration talking?).

Simply acknowledging our emotions can help us to step back from the situation and analyse things from a more objective stance. For example, I might simply acknowledge that I’m feeling really disappointed with my business turnover this month, and that this might potentially cause me to focus on my failings and dismiss the things which are working with my business. Or, I might acknowledge that I’m tired and stressed, and that there is a conflict between what I want to do and what I feel I should do. Writing things down can also help to provide a less emotive perspective.

How can I find a balance between self-accountability and self-loathing?

Again, really understand the definition of these terms

Self-accountability means taking responsibility for our words, behaviours, successes and failures. It means being honest with ourselves about what happened, how we contributed to what happened, and how we could potentially have behaved more effectively. Self-loathing on the other hand is a fairly extreme form of self-criticism where a person may begin to feel deficient or worthless. It usually involved insulting or berating oneself. Having a clear understanding of where the line between these territories lies is important.

Again, take the emotion out of it

One way to find this line is to hold yourself accountable to the point that it is useful in terms of future improvement (and avoid moving beyond this point). If you fail to reach a goal, it’s important to ‘pick through the debris’ and acknowledge where you could have done better (just as we might analyse a plane crash to understand what went wrong). This is useful. However, we could argue that “I partied when I knew I should have been studying, I need to change my habits immediately” is sufficient, with “I’m such a useless lazy loser” not really adding anything of use in addition. Take out the emotionally charged language, and look at things from a more detached, scientific perspective.

As always, I hope you found something useful or at least interesting here. Until next time, here's to a healthy cocktail of self-compassion, self-accountability, and potentially vodka.

Amy

Counsellor, Behavioural Analyst, Lecturer, curator of contradictory YouTube accounts

www.habit-seed.com